It is silent on the lake and brooding. The sunlight that one associates with happiness and joy is absent. The dampness seeps through and makes bones ache. It is a bit oppressive.
In a way, it reminds me of grief. That heavy, brooding mist that comes and goes. It seems to seep through every cell in the body. In the beginning, it feels as if the burden is too heavy to bear and you will not survive it.
Life as you know it has changed forever. A constant presence in your life has slipped away and left a void. The tears are a torrent as you begin to drift through the remains of what was and might have been. Sleep may be elusive. Time is heavy. What used to be busy and full seems empty and inadequate.
Remembering to eat is a challenge. Avoiding others and pulling the covers over your head can become a survival strategy for many. It may physically hurt to be around people who care about you, because they are not experiencing what you are going through.
Time spent in caregiving is now freed up and you are not sure what to do with it. It takes focus and energy which the grief stricken may have in short supply. All the business of taking care of final arrangements, financial issues, death certificates are behind you. The unknown road stretches out ahead and the reality of being alone is front and center.
Depression, anxiety, health issues are common in the bereaved community. Emotions can glide in and out like the mist or jack hammer you depending on the trigger and your resilience. Recognize that you are fragile emotionally when you lose someone; survival skills need to be honed to ride out the storm.
Many funeral homes offer grief groups for the bereaved. This is a good thing. You learn about grief and coping strategies while you are in the midst of it. Someone may offer something in the group that you find helpful and encouraging. You may be some one else’s life line. There is truth to the catch phrase stronger together.
We are never quite prepared for death. As intelligent beings, we know it exists but until it touches one of our own we are in denial. Depending on the complexity of the relationship with the individual that was lost, chaos and turmoil may follow.
There may be guilt interwoven with grief. Hindsight is 20/20 and often when looking back there is some clarity on how the relationship evolved as it did. There may be regret. There may also be sadness, joy, hope of seeing the lost one again, as well as embracing the grief work that lies ahead.
I want you to know that wherever you are in the grieving process you are doing okay. Where there is great love, one feels great loss. There is relief that their suffering is over, but uncertainty as to what lies ahead. This is normal.
Each of us mourns in our own way and in our own time. It is a process. A road untraveled for many until life detours them onto it. The road is bumpy and has twists and turns. For one used to a well trod path, it is confusing and unsettling.
Sleep is restorative. Exercise and healthy food help to maintain the body as well as contact with our support system. You need people, but at the same time it is painful to be half of a couple, a parent that has lost a child, a child that has lost a friend, parent, sibling and the urge to isolate is strong.
How does one navigate this uncharted territory. They fall back on coping strategies that have served them well when facing adversity. Often they find those don’t work in the present situation. Grief group helps. It is structured, informative and others sitting next to you are experiencing many of the same hurdles and emotions as they attempt to move forward.
Many are private and find the group process daunting and overwhelming. Talk to your pastor or a counselor. It is a sign of strength to recognize when you need help dealing with what life has thrown at you.
You will survive this event. I know it doesn’t feel like it. Day by day, as you move forward, you will find strength, faith, and perseverance in amounts you didn’t know existed. You are more resilient than you believe yourself to be.
It is a marathon, not a race. It takes however long it takes. Some days bowing your head in prayer and waiting out the storm is the fall back position. You’ve got this. Believe in yourself.
“Grief is the last act of love we have to give those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was great love.”
God bless your journey. You are thought about and prayed for each day. Know you are loved and missed. I wish I was there to hug and comfort you; to be your sounding board; the shoulder that you lean on and the heart that hears you. I am but a phone call away.
You are always held close in thought and prayer. You are not alone. You will survive this. I believe in you and your indomitable spirit. One step at a time and you will complete the journey and heal. The memory will remain as long as you live.
Remember we are all on a journey home. Those we loved have made the transition, they will be waiting when our turn comes. I believe that promise. None of us know when the train will pull into the station, so we need to be prepared.
We need to begin to prepare those we love to carry on without us. That is a tough one. Preplanning, involving them in decisions, conversations no one wants to have, but will be glad they did.
To those who grieve, you are not alone. You are loved. God bless you and those you love. Safe travels.
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